Video: Timofey Mozgov will not tolerate anything less than The Brew Garden (UPDATED WITH INFORMATION FROM BREW HOUSE EMPLOYEE)

Sometimes, things are perfect. This is one of those times. Cavaliers center Timofey Mozgov recently did a 15-second commercial for The Brew Garden, and quickly had the type of positive impact on the Brew Garden and Commericals that he’s had for the Cavaliers since being traded to the team. According to NBA.com, Mozgov has the second best raw +/- on the entire team, trailing only LeBron James. Since the number of times I have thought about the Brew Garden has gone from “0” before I saw this commercial to “560,000” in the three hours since I have seen it, I believe his +/- impact on the restaurant may be even more dramatic.

We’re going to break down each of these 15 precious seconds as completely as possible. The ad demands at least this much from us.

:00 — We open with a shot of what appears to be a sandwich, some kettle chips and a side of cole slaw on a plate behind a sign that says “COMPETITOR.” A very large hand is next to the plate. Behind the plate is a yellow shirt.

:01 — The plate has been swept off the table with chips flying everywhere, and the “COMPETITOR” sign has been toppled onto its face. The camera pans up. We can now only see a large number “20.”

Now is the first time to break for theories.

1) This “COMPETITOR” sandwich was offered to Timofey as a blind gesture of good faith, was brought to the Beer Garden and summarily rejected, with force. However, it seems unlikely that another restaurant would make a sandwich (complete with sides), and deliver it directly to the Brew Garden, especially because the sandwich is not in any sort of to-go plate. This leaves us with a second, much better theory:

2) THE BREW GARDEN WILL MAKE YOU EFFIGY SANDWICHES. They have taken the entirety of their competitor’s offerings and channeled them into a single sandwich with chips and slaw, where they can be smited in one fell swoop by a gigantic Russian man. Before each game, Timofey has a meal made for him and placed in front of his locker with a sign that says “THE NETS” or “MARC GASOL” put in front of him, and he destroys it thusly. Then he eats a cheeseburger with a “DUNKS AND BLOCKS” sign in front of it, and gains its power. I absolutely want the follow-up ad to this to just be Timofey Mozgov burning a Chili’s menu in front of the camera and saying “Brew Garden.” Ad over.

:02 — Now it is revealed unto us who destroyed the effigy sandwich — it is Timofey Mozgov, starting center for the Cleveland Cavaliers. There were several ways the Brew Garden could have relayed the information that Timofey Mozgov, starting center for the Cavaliers, was speaking to us:

1) Have Timofey Mozgov appear in a Cavaliers jersey and trust the fans to recognize him.

2) Have Timofey Mozgov say “I’m Timofey Mozgov, starting center for the Cavaliers.”

3) Put a graphic that says “Cavaliers center Timofey Mozgov” on the ad.

None of these options were chosen for the final ad. It is important to understand this about the ways of The Brew Garden — this ad was run like a guerrilla war. There could be no deviance from the message, which is “Timofey Mozgov, Cavaliers Player, enjoys The Brew Garden.” Not a single cent or fraction of a second could be spared to express anything other than Timofey Mozgov’s occupation and views on The Brew Garden. Going with option 1 would have risked the message becoming muddled. Option 2 would have cost precious time. Option 3 would have cost precious money.

This is why The Brew Garden went with Option 4: Have Timofey Mozgov appear in the commercial wearing his jersey backwards, so as to prominently display his name. Notice the “BG” logo just under his collar — this was no last-second decision. The people of Brew Garden realized that NBA jerseys were not made to ideally confer as much information as possible when their wearers are being filmed from the front, and decided to alter one in such a way that it did.

(BREAKING UPDATE: I spoke with a bartender at the Brew Garden who was there for the filming, and the reason the jersey is backwards is because the Brew Garden was not allowed to put any Cavs logos in their commercial, so this is the solution they came up with.)

03: — Mozgov utters his first words of the commercial: “Get this weak stuff out of here.” It is here that I would like to make some comments on Mozgov’s acting performance. Acting for the camera is an extraordinarily difficult thing to do. Doing it in your non-native tongue makes it exponentially more difficult, and the Brew Garden did not have the time or foresight to make an order of hot wings with a “NATURAL LINE READINGS” sign in front of it for Timofey to eat before this commercial was shot. As such, Timofey’s overall performance in this video is less “Phillip Jennings from The Americans effortlessly steps into an identity” than it is “hostage video.”

However, I would like to point out that Mozgov’s first line presents an additional challenge in the form of an existential crisis. As the team’s leader in blocked shots, Mozgov is the Cavalier most likely to trigger beloved play-by-play man/human soundboard Fred McCleod to say “GET THAT WEAK STUFF OUTTA HERE!” with the panache and gusto we have all come to expect.

(Tangent: someday, Austin Carr will accidentally knock aside a plate of food that has a “FRED MCLEOD” sign in front of it, accidentally cursing him because of the power of the Brew Garden. McCleod will open a Vine on his phone with LeBron converting an and-1 through the lane that rolls home. As he gets done reflexively saying “LeBron! Right Down Euclid! Off a Rubber Rim!” the Vine will start again. Fred will start his call again. He will realize that he cannot stop. He has become a Pavlovian man. He will realize, in horror, that his phone is plugged into the wall. Dread will begin to seep in. It will essentially be an Infinite Jest situation.)

Getting back to the point, Mozgov leads the team in blocks, but much as a pen cannot write on itself, or a pair of eyes can only see themselves in reflection, TIMOFEY MOZGOV IS THE ONE MAN ON THE PLANET UNABLE TO WATCH TIMOFEY MOZGOV BLOCK A SHOT. It is like asking a lightning bolt to talk about what being electrocuted feels like. Timofey Mozgov cannot describe the power of a storm, for he is the storm.

:05-06 — “I’m hungry for The Brew Garden.”  Timofey Mozgov is not expressing a desire to eat food made at the Brew Garden. He is expressing a need to devour the Brew Garden itself. Three notes here:

First, the earlier theme of guerrilla warfare as a local ad comes back into play here. There is simply no time to include the word “food” in this sentence. This is a race against the clock. Second, it is possible that Timofey simply eats mortar and wood, and the Brew Garden is constructed of the most nourishing materials in the area. Third, this reinforces the notion that the Brew Garden is more than a place where food is made and drinks are poured, but is a place that contains multitudes beyond our current comprehension of restaurants. Why does the sign say “COMPETITOR” instead of “COMPETITORS” or “CHILI’S?” Aside from trademark law, the answer is that it does not matter what the competitor is, for it is simply a restaurant. There are restaurants, which will make food and serve it to you, and then there is Brew Garden. Timofey is hungry for Brew Garden.

:06-10 — “Fabulous food, wine-spirits, and fantastic people.” I’d like to focus on our attention on the middle phrase, as it has become the most disputed line of dialogue in the entire filmography of Timofey Mozgov. In Dan Devine’s writeup of this commercial (which almost caused us to not run this breakdown, and is a good lesson about the risks of sitting on crucial information rather than breaking it on Twitter as fast as you can), he identifies this line as “fine spirits.”

However, after listening to this specific line many, many times (as well as going to the Brew Garden’s menu and confirming that they serve wine), I am convinced that the line is “wine spirits.” It could be argued that Timofey simply missed the comma in his line-reading, and that he was supposed to say “wine, spirits, and fantastic people.” This leads to a question: How many takes did they do? What was the cost-benefit of a bad line reading vs. having to clean up the effigy meal (which I remind you, contained cole slaw), make a new effigy meal, and start the commercial over from scratch again? This is the Children of Men one-take chase scene of local ads. (UPDATE FROM INTERVIEW: This commercial took five takes, and five subsequent broken plates, to make, according to my source at the Brew Garden.)

I, of course, prefer the notion that there are supernatural beings known as wine-spirits that occupy the Brew Garden, and can put Voodoo spells on sandwiches and make The Brew Garden something that can be consumed in an abstract sense without necessarily needing to make you food to nourish you.

:10-13 — “My home away from home, the Brew Garden.” I’m going to be honest with you, there is no reading of this that doesn’t carry some sort of despair with it. Timofey Mozgov is half a world away from St. Petersburg, Russia, the place of his birth. In his lifetime, the Berlin Wall has fallen and the Soviet Union has collapsed, while his home country slowly tries to implement the principles of Perestroika and Glasnost that were held by former Prime Minister Gorbachev.

As someone who has made over $10 million in salary in his NBA career and is making almost $5 million this year alone, and as someone whose athletic abilities have allowed him to attain one of the most coveted professions in America, Mozgov has the financial ability to live a life of Glasnost and the personal freedom provided by Perestroika. And yet, it is only The Brew Garden that has accepted him, where he can truly feel as safe as he did in his home country. He came here searching for a better life, and his ability has allowed him to earn one, but the infinite promises offered by America of a better life have only led to The Brew Garden. This is the true reality of things.

:13-15 — Quick, hard cut to a Brew House slide, with a voice-over saying “Now hiring.” There is the briefest of all pauses, before he says, almost in a resigned term, “Both locations.” Dreams are fallible. Come to the Brew House. (UPDATE FROM INTERVIEW: There is apparently a second Mozgov/Brew House ad, involving Liz, our source, standing on a chair. Be on the lookout for it.)