Booze and Bruises

Speakeasy – Cleveland, OH

In previous years, we ran a feature called “Brews and Bruises,” where our best writers paired a unique beer with a Cavs player or person of significance. This year we’re changing it up a bit to include the whole gamut of libations. Since we have two bartenders on our staff, it seemed only natural. Oh, and drink responsibly.

Ben Werth

Mike Miller: Absinthe. Long ago, Absinthe was the preferred drink of many the important individual. Genius lunatics like Wilde and Van Gogh enjoyed the debatable merits of the “Green Fairy” until the drink ran into some “role” issues. What exactly was in there? Did it really cause hallucinations?

The Absinthe Drinker by Viktor Oliva (1861–1928)

To be fair, Mike Miller has never been a controversial guy. But he is well liked around the league and LOVED by certain important individuals. No one understands what kind of influence he really has. And like Absinthe, Mike hasn’t been at full power since the late 19th century. Let’s be honest, the recent version may look the same, but hasn’t done the job. Doesn’t matter. Mike and Absinthe will keep on ticking. They are cool. Sometimes that is all you need. Fortunately for Cavs fans, that stylish hangover-waiting-to-happen was passed down the bar.

Cedi Osman: Rakiya. Draft a random Euro prospect and a fanbase immediately has a mental picture of some goofy looking, semi-coordinated project. Ya know, or this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTXWhu3zPSc

Osman looks like a pretty boy, one likely to float around the perimeter while shying away from contact. But that is only when he is dunking on an eight foot rim in the middle of an empty swimming pool. Looks and his glorious hair can be deceiving. Like the Bosnian born player, Rakiya may give the appearance of an elegantly crafted pleasantry, but it packs a hard-edged wallop. The plummy delight hides an alcohol content that is typically between 100 and 150 proof. Rakiya may seem like a relaxed softy at first glance, but it has more than a subtle kick. The nun who served me my first didn’t wink for nothing.

Sasha Kaun: Real Russian Vodka. Kaun is a Real Russian. Yet, like the american vodka, Kaun’s game was cultivated on American soil. Though born in Tomsk in the USSR days, the bigman rocked his high school ball in Florida and starred at Kansas University. Still, the center’s soul is firmly in his motherland after having played for CSKA Moscow since 2008. I’ve tried the Real Russian vodka. It’s, well, vodka. Functional. No taste unless it is mixed with something. Good because it doesn’t immediately give you a headache. You are aware of its existence. Sasha Kaun should be able to match that in the NBA.

Mo Williams: Apothic. Oh Mo! I love having John Legend back in the Wine and Gold. From Krolik’s Kraken, to the despair Mo felt after LeBron decided to go to college, the Mississippi native has always felt like Cleveland’s own. In Mo’s first go around in C-Town(pre-The Land), he was asked to be a primo piatto to LeBron’s steak secondo. Mo’s didn’t disappoint, nor did he truly succeed. Playoffs matter. This time around, The Hitman must only supplement a fantastic trio of All-Stars. Like a fine(more accurately, pretty decent)wine, Mo’s american spirit and a penchant for coming up surprisingly big will help the Cavalier Gold along. A California wine, Apothic was first introduced to me in Germany. Go figure. Its fruity warmth makes a good impression on first and last taste. Its price is quite reasonable for an elegant affair. The Wine and Gold need this wine. Bonus Mo: You realize Mo was named player of the week in BOTH conferences last season? Dude isn’t done.

Robert Attenweiler

As some of you (though, mainly Mallory Factor II) know, besides patrolling the sidelines of Cavs the Blog-dom, I’ve been slinging drinks at a couple of neighborhood bars in NYC’s East Village and Lower East Side for… well, a bartender never reveals his age (because the lifestyle ages us all so rapidly).

Part of being a bartender, though, is enduring the marathon of the evening, which is why I’m so partial to low-alcohol beers (Guiness or Bud or Miller High Life) and don’t spend a lot of time on the juiced-up crafts and micros so preferred by my CtB brethren. After all, I still have to be able to count my money at the end of the night.

But, there comes a time in every marathon where you need to engage the after-burners and shoot ahead of that darned quick-moving hare. The shots… the cocktails… the one type of alcohol dropped into some other time of alcohol.

That’s where these four members of the Cavaliers family find themselves. After dutifully listening to their problems — as one does behind the sticks — here’s what I’d pour:

J.R. Smith: The Mind Eraser. You may (or, because it’s aptly named, may not) remember this drink from some hazy binge drinking day of yore. In a highball glass, the Mind Eraser combines two ounces of vodka, a splash of Kahlua and topped the rest of the way with club soda. Served with a large soda-sized straw (though, the last time I had one in Cleveland the bartender insisted I take mine through a cluster of four tiny cocktail straws) the patron/contestant then treats the drink like a shot, drinking it as fast as he/she can in a madcap race to the bottom of the glass. Not only is Smith the Cavalier you can most picture ordering this shot at a bar, it’s tendency to contribute to actions the drinker might later regret (like, say, opting out of a contract that guaranteed you over $6 million this year) and the spirit of these particular combined spirits — the carte blanche… the clean slate… the fresh start — make the Mind Eraser the Cavs: the Blog’s official drink of Smith’s upcoming one-year $4 million deal to stay with the Cavs.

Kyrie Irving: The Old Fashioned. I could be choosing this particularly trendy cocktail as a not-so-subtle nod to the Uncle Drew character Irving plays in a series of popular Nike ads. Instead, it isn’t Uncle Drew’s greying hair and wrinkled forehead that nets Irving this tasty concoction of rye, bitters, sugar, and muddled orange and cherry (or not cherry… I happen to like not cherry), it’s the opposite. At 23, Irving is still at the age where he might order this drink at a bar because he was a fan of Mad Men… or because he’s read an article about this classic cocktail in GQ or even — gasp! — Details magazine and wonder why, just on drink order alone, his bartender decides to card him. To a whole generation of drinkers coming of age in a cocktail culture, what once was Long Island Iced Tea is now Old Fashioned again.

Lest you misunderstand, though, anything that serves as a reminder of Irving’s youth — and that he has yet to hit his prime basketball playing years — is a fundamentally good thing.

Dan Gilbert: The Godfather. While I’m pretty sure Gilbert would drink a cocktail bearing this name regardless of its ingredients, it’s not too hard to see Comic Dans knocking back this sweet elixir of equal parts scotch whiskey and Amaretto. It’s a drink that says its drinker is very much in charge, but not so in charge that he isn’t allowed to enjoy some of the sweeter things in life. Of course, as a result of the Cavs being so far over the luxury tax line, every one of Gilbert’s $12 cocktails costs the Cavs owner roughly $38,000.

David Griffin: The Rusty Nail. Some little known facts about the Cavs second-and-a-half-year General Manager: He brushes his teeth with thumb tacks. He dabs his hair with kerosine. Once, he killed two men in a bar fight: one with a smile… the other with a kind word. He sleeps on a bed of nails… while listening to Bon Jovi’s “Bed of Roses” on loop. And when he’s not planning his next move to improve your Cleveland Cavaliers, he likes this mixture of scotch and Drambuie over ice. Drink responsibly, Cleveland, or the next hopeful, encouraging word David Griffin utters about fit and culture and floor spacing … could be about you.

David Wood:

James Jones: Genessee Cream Ale. Grandpa Jones typically graces the floor for just minutes an evening. He doesn’t hit threes with the same zeal as Kyrie and his rebounds aren’t definitive like Lebron’s, but he still gets the job done. Genny Cream Ale is the James Jones of beers.

Genny Ale is the first beer I ever tried. It was my grandpa’s drink of choice, so naturally he gave me sips as a young child. It is also surprisingly cheap and has some semblance of head and flavor. It’s almost Guinness-esque as far as texture goes. And, on a hot summer day, when you’re a freshman home from college digging through an old basement refrigerator where your family keeps beverages for guests, and you find some Genesee cans from when your grandpa stayed in your house and you were nine, it would be wise to drink them. They’re still refreshing.

Matthew Dellavedova: Wicked Weed Oblivion. What is the Australian wonder? Some people say he’s a d-leaguer disguised as an NBA player. Others say he’s a statistically awesome dude, which is why he won gotbuckets.com’s prestigious rookie of the year award. I say, and many writers on this blog probably agree, he’s a platypus. He has the mind of a basketball vet, the body of a little boy, and the shooting skills of a point guard just above replacement level. Yet, he somehow shut down the MVP of the league for two games during the finals, and he looked like he belonged on the floor.

Delly can appreciate beer that’s as confusing as his game. Wicked Weed Brewery’s Oblivion is a sour red ale that is aged in red wine barrels with blackberries and dates. This beer has the glass appearance of a rose colored Stella. It has a very fine head. When you sip it, your mouth is tricked. It tastes like beer for just a second before lots of dark fruit flavors make you think you’re chomping on a new flavor of Airheads. It ends leaving your mouth with an oaky wine taste. And, it even smells fruity. Should I treat it like a beer or a wine? Delly needs to tell me!

Timofey Mozgov: Diesel. After seeing Timo in the Brew Garden commercials, one thing was really obvious: he’s a goofy guy. As much as I want to picture him chugging gallons of Stoli and punching out opponents, it probably isn’t the smartest thing for him to do. He would get way too ridiculous. Timo deserves what the Germans call a Diesel. It’s typically just half beer and half cola. Or, you can mix it up a little like me. I combine two parts Pilsner Urquell with one part Coke and one part root beer. The root beer flavors mask Urquell’s skunky qualities resulting in a really smooth day drink. These drinks are perfect for lightweights and people you’d rather see dunk than drunk.

Cory Hughey

David Griffin: Fernet Chill. I assume Griff consumes more caffeine than any other member of the organization, which probably leads to the occasional acid reflux fit. Not a problem. Fernet is an Italian herbal liquor, and it’s a digestif to boot, so that should combat some of the stomach acid. A Fernet Chill is like a vodka and Red Bull (always say the liquor first when ordering a drink) without the need for an Ed Hardy shirt, waxed eyebrows and frosted tips. Fernet is also the reason I urinated on the side of the Aria in Las Vegas. Fernet rocks, but I highly suggest moderation with it. With a Fernet “Chill,” you pour through a brandy snifter and add an espresso ice cube. Griff can get his caffeine on and relax too. Editor’s Note: Yes, we have Griff twice. But if anyone needs an extra drink this summer, it might be him. He’s negotiating his butt off.

Anderson Varejao: Caipirinha. We debated last week on Anderson Varejao’s fit and value with the Cavs, but few cocktails pair with summer more than a Caipirinha. It’s basically a mojito without the messy mint leaves and dilution of the soda. Cachaca is similar to rum, except that it’s made from fresh sugarcane juice and no trashy molasses. To make one, cut half a lime into wedges and muddle with 1 oz simple syrup or 1 tablespoon of sugar. Shake with ice and 2 oz Cachaca. Strain into an old fashioned or bucket glass filled with ice. Enjoy while you’re waiting for your Achilles to heal.

David Blatt: Tel Aviv Summer. When brought Gatorade by a Cavs staffer during his postgame presser on April 21st, Blatt asked, “Is that the one with the vodka in it?” There is vodka in there, coach! The Tel Aviv Summer is similar to a Long Island Iced Tea without coke and sour mix, which is basically just high fructose syrup acid water. Shake 1 oz vodka, 0.5 oz tequila, 0.33 oz cachaca and 0.33 oz lemon juice with ice and strain into a Tom Collins glass with ice. Top with fresh grape fruit juice. Drink while smirking at your critics.

Tristan Thompson: Molson Canadian with Clamato. My third favorite thing about Canada is that they have a beaver and moose on their currency. Canada isn’t just America’s source for paper, maple syrup and terrible music. There’s a legit pipeline of Canadian basketball talent that grows by the year and the Cavs have one of its brightest stars. In a strange twist, a lazy version of the Mexican michelada seems quite popular in Canada. My only evidence of this is that when I drink Clamato beers in Las Vegas, the bartenders always assume that I’m Canadian. Maybe it’s my lucky jean jacket with The Guess Who patch on it. I dunno.

Austin Carr and Fred McLeod: Your Dad’s Beer.

Baby Boomers are set in their ways. They find porters and stouts too malty, and pale ales and IPAs too hoppy. They want the beer they stole out of their dad’s fridge in the garage thirty years ago. They want the kind of beer Dom Draper would sip on to cap off a long night of infidelity. Fortunately for the Boomers, Indians owner Larry Dolan discovered a bomb shelter from the Cold War on his property with palettes of 70’s era brews such as Schaefer’s, Blatz, Little King’s, and Stroh’s. After a taste test, and no one went blind, Dolan decided to capitalize on his find.

Iman Shumpert: Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey Old Fashioned.

It appears Shump likes Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey. Personally, I’m repulsed by the fad of flavored whiskeys, but he seems to be having a ball and a biscuit in the picture above, so lets class up that grotesque swill for him.

Wash a whole lemon in cold water and pat dry. Quarter the lemon and muddle a quarter with 0.5 oz simple syrup and three dashes of Angostura bitters in an Old Fashioned glass. Fill with ice and add 2 oz Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey. Add 0.5 oz of water and stir. Then burn lemon oil from an lemon peel over a flame above the cocktail, like in the video. Don’t pull a Michael Jackson and set your extraordinary hair aflame.

Kevin Love: Kibitz Pickle Bloody Mary. Drinking tomato juice reduces the damage caused by free radicals, reducing inflammation. Our boy KLove should have a glass a day during his rehab, but drinking straight tomato juice is more boring than a Mumford and Sons concert. Bloody Marys are the best, except that they are rarely made right. This one is a winner.

While working at Canter’s Deli on Fairfax in Los Angeles, I started infusing vodka with pastrami and pickles. I was one of the few people who liked pastrami vodka, but the pickle vodka was a big hit. You probably don’t have a pickling room in your basement (theirs looked like a scene out of Saw), but you can easily make your own pickles at home. To infused the pickle vodka pour one bottle of quality booze into a large glass container and add three diced pickles along with a 1/2 tablespoon of allspice, mustard seed, coriander seed, one bay leaf, a crushed one inch hunk of fresh ginger, and two crushed garlic cloves. Seal container and refrigerate for three days. Strain ingredients (yes you can eat the diced pickles afterwards, but don’t plan on driving) and enjoy.

Muddle one lemon and one lime wedge in a pint glass. Fill with ice and build with two ounces of pickle vodka, 3/4 oz Worcestershire sauce, 2.5 ounces tomato juice, 1/2 tablespoon of horseradish, 1/2 teaspoon celery salt, and ground pepper and hot sauce to liking. Shake it like your Kelly Olynyk, and the glass is Kevin Loves arm. Garnish with a pickle and enjoy.

Richard Jefferson: Ensure White Russian. Jefferson is the newest Cav, and also the elder statesman of the roster – beating out James Jones by four months. Bingo halls will never be the same.

Pour 1.5 oz vodka, 0.5 oz coffee liquor into an Old Fashioned glass filled with ice. Float 1 oz Ensure Original Vanilla Nutritional Shake on top and stir slowly.

Nate Smith:

Joe Harris, Sir’Dominic Pointer, and Rakeem Christmas: a paddle from Canton Brewing Company. Well, these guys are the “going, going… gone” of the Cavs’ current developmental list. They, are in many ways indicative of some of the beers from Canton’s newest exciting establishment, The Canton Brewing company. When I visited last week,I found a wide variety in the quality of beers.

Joe Harris is the Tiny Tusc Kolsh. A Kolsh is an ale brewed like a lager: delicate and crisp with few overpowering flavors. Unfortunately, the Tiny Tusc Kolsh is bland and macro tasting. Like Joe, it probably won’t make it out of Canton.

Sir’Dom gets the Carpe Noctum Coffee Porter, Canton Brewing’s first release. It’s a solid debut with good balance, coffee notes, dark flavors, and a 7.2 ABV you hardly notice. It’s a little watery and has hardly any aftertaste, which is strange for a porter. Like Sir’Dom, it has potential, but needs a little refinement. (If a beer could learn to shoot, I’d make that analogy). Both should be in the Canton rotation all next year. Carpe Noctum, Sir Pointer.

Rakeem Christmas is like their Mosaic Extra Pale Ale: already sold out. I didn’t even get to try it.

The final selection is for that yet-to-be-named training camp star that will push Smokin’ Joe and Sir’Dom for that final roster spot. He gets the ESB, the most surprising offering from Canton: a 4% Extra Special Bitter with toffee notes, a smooth finish, and a just the right balance. It inspires savoring. I Don’t know what player the brew will match, but I look forward to enjoying all through fall. And maybe, if I’m lucky, in Cleveland for the next few years.

Fred Karm of Hoppin’ Frog (Photo: Marc Bona, Northeast Ohio Media Group)

LeBron James: Hopping Frog’s The King Gose Home Imperial Gose. A high alcohol Gose (6%), the Hopping Frog is tart, salty, and filled with citrus and subtle spices. It pours a hazy straw color and has an almost medium body, with effervescence and slightly sweet pale malt hops to celebrate the King. It lingers long after you’ve enjoyed it, like a fine LBJ basketball performance. This was a limited release, so get one while you still can. Enjoy the beer in the moment, perhaps on a porch at dusk as you contemplate greatness, the future, impermanence, immortality, and the lucky days we have to enjoy beer, LeBron James, and the waning summer.