Dear Santa, Post-Championship Edition

Despite people bemoaning it nationally, 2016 was a pretty good year for Cleveland and the Cavaliers. We’ve all been blessed with a Cavs championship, and the bling and the Larry O’Brien trophy are better than any hardware Santa could bring. More than that though, we’re blessed with a team of upstanding men we can be proud to call ambassadors of our region. That’s what makes us as fans most fortunate of all. But we didn’t think it’d be out of line to ask the fat man to bring each of the Cavaliers a little something in the spirit of Christmas cheer. So without further ado, here’s our Christmas wish list for the Cavs, from the King to our very own Tiny Tim.

LeBron James

(Tom Pestak): Christmas came early for King James.  As if ending a five-decades-plus championship curse wasn’t enough, LeBron forever cementing the floor of his legacy as “Top-3 All-Time”.

He led all players in Points, Rebounds, Assists, Steals, and Blocks in the NBA Finals against a team that ESPN’s BPI gave

a 97% chance to win.  It was a series featuring a half a dozen all-stars, the regular season MVP, and a Finals MVP of which none of these was LeBron, and yet, the King, by the end, had made them all look like peons.  LeBron signed a 100 million dollar 3-year deal making him the highest paid player in the NBA for the first time during a career despite the fact that he’s arguably been the best player in the league since 2005.  So what in the world can Santa possibly do to top that?  Well, Santa knows that LeBron loves to give gifts, be they a parade to a million and a half people, scholarships for impoverished children, or no-look dimes to his teammates.  So Santa’s going to give LeBron the most elegantly wrapped Christmas box in existence.  With it, a simple set of instructions: Step 1: Cut a hole in box.  Step 2: Put your ring in that box.  Step 3: Make Klay, Steph, Draymond, Phil Jackson, and Pat Riley open the box… and that’s the way you do it!

Richard Jefferson

(Tom Pestak): It wasn’t that long ago that Richard Jefferson spoke into the camera at media day 2015 and people all across NEO thought the same thing: “how is this this guy’s voice?”  Suffice it to say, now that I get to listen to RJ during his “Was it something I said” segments with Fred McCleod, I can’t imagine his voice being any different and I can’t recall the nature of the originally audio cognitive dissonance – I just know that it existed.  RJ has a future career in broadcasting or television, whichever he chooses. He would make a particularly good game show host, as he’s quick witted and seems to be able to establish ad-hoc on-air chemistry.  He also has just the right amount of self-deprecation to project an everyman.  In this video, he signals the irony of TT including him in with “the guys that get to score” all the points (while TT does the dirty work).

Give RJ a couple months with his own show and he’d be a bona-fide natural.  He’s already impeccably dressed and has a dome to match Steve Harvey.  Now he just needs to work on his timing and delivery.  Sometimes his mind is racing so quickly because he’s shooting from the hip that he fails to properly use dramatic pauses.  So Santa is going to bring RJ a collection of old Gene Wilder films so he can learn the art of the comedic pause.

David Griffin

(Tom Pestak): It’s never a dull moment when David Griffin offers up some nugget of wisdom.  It’s worthwhile to revist his Blatt-firing press conference.  Griff see-saws between something out of a self-help book written by a hippie :

What I see is that we need to build a collective spirit, a strength of spirit and a collective will…I believe in this team, maybe more than they believe in themselves sometimes…Our team needs an appreciation for what they’re doing. They need an appreciation for one another.

And a truly wise assessment of the problems the team faced (which few people outside Cleveland would acknowledge because the Cavs record was so strong), which we highlighted here on a daily basis – the Cavs core players were little more than a collection of talented individuals, not a well-oiled machine becoming force multipliers for each others’ skillsets:

Otherwise, we’ve been a group of tremendous individual talent with individual hopes and dreams. That’s not a winning formula…And sometimes you can win games in this league in the regular season and get worse. I think we were regressing over a period of time.

The most powerful line of Griffin’s press conference is this line:

I’m not leaving an unprecedented team payroll and all of the efforts of everybody that works in this organization to chance.

Shortly after the Cavs won the championship, David Griffin did a interview and for the life of me I can’t remember if it was TV or radio or who he did it with.  But I’ll never forget his sentiment, which has been mine ever since the final buzzer sounded.  It’s incredible what [a small difference] can mean in this business.  Griffin was not extolling the virtue of his coaching change or his admirable work as GM.  No, quite the opposite.  He was speaking in awe of the fact that by nature of outscoring the Golden State Warriors 703 to 699 he and his team were heroes, saviors, men whom statues would one day honor.  Millions descended on the city for an epic celebration, every talk show host in the country wanted to know “how he did it?” and “how he felt now?”, and certainly Griffin felt a veritable sense of calm.

No worries about LeBron bolting in free agency or whether or not the Cavs would need to trade Kevin Love or Kyrie Irving to finally breakthrough.  It was all so overwhelming, particularly in the context that he and his team weren’t just sailing miles in the air on cloud nine, they narrowly avoided an abyss!   I can’t recall the exact words Griff used, but the message was: “Isn’t this crazy?  Think of how close this was to being completely not the outcome, despite the same process.”  He was happy, but a bit humbled.  I will never forget this about David Griffin because I spent most of the summer recognizing how unfamiliar this territory was, and how tense the pressure cooker could easily have been during those hot summer days had the Cavs not been the first team to 700 points.  In honor of David Griffin’s appreciation for alternate history, Santa is going to get him a box set of Harry Turtledove novels and an Amazon Prime subscription so he can binge watch “The Man in the High Castle” and ponder all the juicy “what could have been!?”s of recent history.  Additionally, Santa is sending Griff a copy of Terry Pluto’s new book: The Comeback, which documents all the haters who mocked Griffin’s decision to fire David Blatt.  After he’s done reading it, he can borrow LeBron’s box and go visit Rick Carlisle, Gregg Popovich, and others.

J.R. Smith

(David Wood): J.R. is no saint. I’ve certainly complained about him, mainly his shooting this season. Media members have complained about him, remember the ski mask interview. Coach Lue too, remember when Smith hugged Jason Terry on the Bucks’ sideline during live play and Tony Snell got a freebie dunk. It’s no wonder that refs don’t really like J.R. either.  He just brings out anger in people. That’s why he needs a copy of Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends And Influence People for Christmas this year.

Carnegie’s semi-famous book is essentially a guide for getting people to enjoy doing what you want them to do for you without them realizing it. For J.R., this probably just means making people not focus in on him and making refs give him the benefit of the doubt on the court. After one read of Carnegie’s book, I can see Smith wowing the world. No more bogus fouls for him.

He’ll go up to NBA referee Tony Brothers and say,” Hi, Mr. Tony Brothers, how are you? I like how you are so comfortable with your unibrow. Lots of distinguished people have one. I wish I had one. Also, how do you feel about guys that try to draw charges?”

Those fake words right there utilize tons of Carnegie principals. Dale always says, “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” He also says to compliment people and mean it. And, to take an interest in people’s interests by asking pertinent questions. Mr. J.R. Smith can thank the blog later when he’s no longer getting called for non-existent reach ins.

Mike Dunleavy Jr.

(Nate Smith): It’s hard to remember, but Mike was once a No. 2 overall pick after spending three years at Duke. You can never go wrong by by gifting someone some snazzy swag from their alma mater. This seems very Dukey. Plus it would make Kyrie jealous.  Just don’t use it to trip anyone Grayson Allen style, Mike.

James Jones

(Nate Smith): What do you get the guy who’s all about selflessness, accountability, and giving to everyone else on the team? I mean there’s article after article on James’ leadership, yet we know almost nothing about the guy himself. It’s hard to know what to get a guy who puts everyone else first. And it’s hard to know what to get for someone who’s shooting 74 freaking percent from three on the season! Maybe something like this CtB custom designed coffee mug would do the trick.

Kevin Love

(Nate Smith): Kevin Love possesses one of the most dangerous pump fakes in the league. He’s a master of getting guys in the air and then getting to the line. In fact, every time he does it, our own EvilGenius says he’s getting defenders to fall or the ole “banana in he tailpipe” trick. And this started before Kev became the “brand ambassador” for Banana Republic. Where’ did this joke come from? Why the Eddie Murphy classic: Beverly Hills Cop, of course.

So maybe Beverly Hills Cop on Blu-Ray? That seems a little thin. Kev also likes to wear shirts with his own picture on them (it’s weird, I know). Somehow this toy makes sense to me as a gift for Kevin. The Banana Republican would like it, right?

 Dan Gilbert

(Nate Smith): The dude has spent a lot on bling this year. Maybe Santa could help him out a little How about a Kay Jewelers gift card so he can, in the words of Cousin Eddie, get himself something “real nice.”

Kyrie Irving

(Nate Smith): Do you have anyone in your family that you get the same themed gift for every year because you don’t know what to get them? Kyrie is my guy for this. Every year I go back to my old standby. Kyrie wants to be a director some day and has a big interest in film. his year is no different. I’m going books this year, as Kyrie is going to have a lot of time to read while traveling to and from an 82 game playoff schedule and at least 16 playoff games. (I’m only counting the wins). Let’s ask Santa for a trio of books on making movies by three of the best: Elia Kazan, Sidney Lumet, and David Mamet. Happy readings.

Channing Frye

(Nate Smith): Channing has had the roughest year of any Cavalier. He might be the only one with cause to want to completely forget 2016. Channing lives in Portland and his family is there while he’s in Cleveland. I’m thinking Mr. Frye could use some laughs and use some thoughts of home. How about a Kindle or an iPad loaded up with some episodes of Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisan’s Portlandia. “Put a bird on it!”; Adult Hide and Seek; and “Is this chicken local?” and that’s just the first season! I hope Santa brings you laughter and Joy, Mr. Frye.

Tyronn Lue

(Nate Smith): Everything you ever wanted to know about Ty Lue is in this fantastic piece by ESPN’s Kurt Streeter, “Tyronn Lue and the Art of Igniting LeBron.”

Ty Lue has coached less than a full NBA season. He’s still learning. His game plans, he says, hurt the Cavs during their first two losses in the Finals; it took awhile for him to figure out a better strategy to combat the Warriors’ speed. He doesn’t command a news conference like Doc Rivers or Phil Jackson, and being the face of the franchise doesn’t come naturally. He isn’t interested in politics or social protest. He doesn’t enjoy vacations. He is not married and never has been. He has no children, and it’s hard for him to imagine any in his future. He says he has never smoked or had a drink of alcohol after seeing the damage of addiction up close. He doesn’t sleep through the night. Doesn’t want to dream. “My life is so good that a dream can only make it worse,” he says.

What do you get a guy like that? How about a framed ceiling tile?

Tyronn Lue made the whole @cavs organization give him $100 after game 5 in GS. He put the money in the ceiling of the away locker room. Ctd

— Andrew Kauffman (@A_Kauff) July 2, 2016

Well, the Cavs all got their money back after game seven. Santa, can you hook him up with a ceiling tile from the Golden State visitor’s locker room? Maybe one stained with champagne. Maybe get the guys to all sign it? I think he’d like that.

Mo Williams

(Nate Smith): Technically a Cav, Mo is engendering a lot of bitterness on the part of the organization and some of their fans by taking up a roster spot that could be used for someone who actually plays. But here’s the thing: Mo has every right to try to make the money on the contract he signed, and if someone asked you to just give up $2 million, you’d probably say no as well. So if Cleveland doesn’t want to buy him out, then it’s his right to take up a roster spot while convalescing. It’s a weird situation, but I can’t be mad at him. He (along with Chris Anderson) will be traded or stay with the team until he can be declared medically unfit to play and receive the remainder of his money with some of it coming off the cap for the Cavs or whatever team trades for him. I wish Mo all the best in the future. He’ll always be a member of the 2016 Championship, and for that he’ll have my respect. In fact, I will get him a CtB championship t-shirt. I swear to God, they’re coming soon. See, the design is even complete. Send me your Color, address, and size, Mo. Get well soon.

Chris Andersen

(Nate Smith): I got nothing. Maybe a new tattoo? The only thing I can figure out from Chris comes from a delightfully weird series of interviews from The Palm Beach Post’s Jason Lieser. Here’s Chris talking about asteroids.

But you’ve been on the bench your whole career. There must be a comfort level with that.
“Yeah, I’ve done it my whole career. Here’s the deal with that: I’m in different kinds of habitats. You know what I’m saying?”
No.
“No? Ok, Urban Outdoorsman. Look it up. We out in the woods, we’re in the city, we’re in — well, I don’t know if I should say that. Let’s just say we’re in different types of environments, OK? You can put me in anything. Listen, I could be one of those guys in Armageddon. I’ll go up like an astronaut and get on the asteroid and drill. Get on the asteroid and drill. You know what I’m saying? I’m one of those guys.”

Is that what you had to do yesterday to get the team ready for this game?
“What, go into outer space and drill on an asteroid? No man, come on. Yeah, it’s a metaphor. No, not metaphorically, we all came in with a business attitude yesterday and we got prepped and did the right things to get ready for this game.”

Chris is a different kind of dude. In honor of that, maybe cast him in a movie role in a movie that might feature his weirdness? Maybe something from Wes Anderson, David Lynch, John Waters, or Terry Gilliam. Meanwhile, Chris’s interview made me think of this classic remake of Armageddon.

DeAndre Liggins

(Nate Smith): Caron Butler turned his life around, and regaining a spot in the is part of DeAndre’s journey to turn his life around after a tumultuous past. Hopefully,DeAndre finds Caron’s struggles inspiring and that the tale can pass some hours of travel time in captivating fashion. Maybe it will help Mr. Liggins play with excellence in his new-found starting role in place of J.R. Smith. We can only hope, Santa.

Tristan Thompson

(Nate Smith): Santa, I’m resisting all temptation to ask for Season 1 of Keeping up with the — ARGH! Can’t do it. This post will put me on the naughty list. Just get him some golf balls or something, Santa, and health and happiness in the new year.

Jordan McRae

(Nate Smith): I assume the orange colors of Jordan’s school, Tennessee are the reason that he goes by the moniker, “Orange Mamba.” Mr McRae is another guy I had a hard time wishing for. But I’m thinking a Vols knit hat for those cold Cleveland nights. Jordan doesn’t exactly let his hair grow long enough to keep him warm, and we’ve had some crappy weather lately.

Kay Felder

(John Krolik): What I want out of Kay Felder is pretty reasonable. I want to hand him the keys to the starting backup PG spot, especially when the team is thin because of injury or rest, let Shump slide to his natural wing position, and go from there. Also, when Kay enters the game, he should do it like so:

I have actual reasons for this. The Cavs have the highest salary in the league by a full $11 million dollars. They have one first-round pick over the next two years, and it won’t be a high pick. The only contract of any size they’d want to unload is Mike Dunleavy’s 4.5 million deal (team option for next season, so it’s basically expiring). Their only young asset is Cedi Osman, and while Nate has successfully given me Cedimania, he is currently in Turkey.

The point here is that for a team in the Cavaliers’ position to get an impact player, let alone a young impact player on a bargain salary, they have to accept risk. At 5’9 coming out of the Horizon League, Kay is certainly a risk. He’s having trouble, and will continue to have trouble, finishing against NBA-sized rim protectors. He has to figure out where he fits in the offense, get more comfortable as a catch-and-shoot threat, and take less off-the-bounce jumpers than he did at Oakland. He’s going to get bullied on defense. Those are all significant challenges.

If that risk pays off, though, the reward could be huge. This team currently has a grand total of three players capable of beating guys off the dribble — Kyrie, LeBron, and Kay. Of those three players, only LeBron and Kay have consistently shown that they’re willing to make plays for others. Kay can explode into the lane and get to the rim in the blink of an eye. Once he figures out his angles at the rim, his strength and hops give him the chance to be able to finish. He can push it in transition. He has the ability to knock down the three.

If he’s allowed to truly run the point when he’s in with the starters rather than play the Shump/Kyrie role that takes them off the ball and gives them the green light to be scorers, he’ll be able to open things up with his drive-and-kick ability, which could mean freeing up LeBron off the ball. In case you’ve forgotten, LeBron is absolutely unstoppable off the ball. Sliding Shump to his natural wing spot would be an immediate upgrade over Liggins, despite how Liggins competes on defense, and would certainly be an upgrade over McRae. If Oakland Jesus is given the chance and realizes his full potential as a push-the-pace guard with true playmaking instincts and the ability to be a microwave scorer, it gives the Cavs a completely different look and drastically decreases the chances of the offense stagnating because Shump or J.R. are over-dribbling with their blinders on and turning the Cavs’ second unit into an iso-ball team.

It might not work out, but that’s an acceptable risk, especially at this time of the year with the team already thin. The chances of a bargain-basement point guard like post-Achilles Mario Chalmers, Deron Williams, Norris Cole, or Devin Harris fizzling out completely aren’t much lower than the chance of Felder fizzling out, and Felder has more upside and already plays for the team. Again, it’s chance worth taking. If not, socks are nice.

Cavs Fans

(Nate Smith): What can you get a fanbase that just got everything they ever wanted!? A win against the Dubs, of course! Merry Christmas, everyone!