Dear Santa…

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all our readers! Today is Festivus. As fans, we definitely don’t have as many grievances to air this year. We all got a big present under our tree when LeBron returned to Cleveland, and a slew of new players came with him. With the Cavs fielding a competitive team for the first time in four years, it’s a lot easier to be a Cavs fan this year like it has been in years past. Heck, we even get a Christmas day game! We seem to spend every game recap airing our grievances (especially in the losses), so regardless of how good or bad the Cavs are on the court, I always like to take this time of year to point out what a solid group of guys the Cavs have in their locker room. The Cavs organization has done a great job of fielding a team of young men who serve as admirable ambassadors for the city of Cleveland and Northeast Ohio.

I point you to the Cavaliers in the Community page for a list of all the programs the Cavs and their players support. Santa, it’s obvious that these Cavs inhabit the “Nice List.” Here’s what we’re asking you to bring them this Chrstmas. It’s a nice way to say thank you for all the joy that the entire Cavaliers family brings us throughout the year.

Alex Kirk: Yeah, I just spent 45 minutes researching Alex. I still have no idea what the dude is into. Fortunately, he’s from Los Alamos, New Mexico, and every time you order food in New Mexico they ask you the very Christmas-y question, “red or green?” That’s right we’re talking chilies. And when we’re talking chilies, we’re talking burritos. Santa please deliver Alex a tin-foil wrapped piece of home from the Chili Works in Los Alamos. The “Christmas Burritio” features bacon, chorizo, green chilies, and sour cream. Swing by and drop one off at my house too, will you Saint Nic? And don’t forget the side of habanero salsa… and some Zantac.

A.J. Price is even more of an enigma. All I can tell is that the man went to Uconn and has some immaculately coiffed facial hair (one of many Cavaliers with this feature). The man’s whiskers are a masterpiece. To maintain this, he needs some serious man-gear. In researching this subject, I perused only the best websites, and came across these words of wisdom by Ali at menfash.com regarding shaving.

In a professional life, appearance is much important for any man. Therefore, shaving kit plays a vital role in grooming up your personality. Men with clean shave normally get more appreciation over beard men so for that you should have branded shaving kit for yourself. What shaving kit contains? It includes brush for shaving, cream used before and after-shave and best razor to do shave. Are you thinking why it is important? The answer of your query is very simple. We all know that facial beauty is the first thing that admires other especially women. Therefore, skin beauty can only be possible if men use best shaving kit to avoid hitching, redness and dryness on their face.

Could Ali be wrong?! Santa, bring A.J. the Mercedes Benz of shaving kits, will you?

Lou Amundson: I’m very tempted to just base this whole wishlist on Ali’s recommendations. I’m quite sure he could recommend some superior conditioner for Lou. Alas we come to praise, not to mock, and on Lou’s Twitter page it notes that he’s a “regional Scrabble champion.” Say what Lou? Hit me up for a game some time! I don’t mean to brag, but on weekends I dabble as a “Words with Friends” consultant. To bone up for our match, I’ll ask Santa to bring you what every discerning word freak asked for this year… OSPD 5! That’s right, the new Official Scrabble Players Dictionary Fifth Edition. Now with even more dubious words like, “DA”, “GI”, “PO”, and “TE!” What’s that? The new OSPD is a complete mess rejected as seriously flawed by many tournament players?! Well you’re Santa, get working on the corrected fifth edition!

Joe Harris made his bones during Movember by growing an Hogan style horseshoe stash. I say he should embrace it fully and become a full-fledged Hulkamaniac. To do that, he’ll need this vintage 80s Hulkamania workout set. Eat your vitamins, Joe.

Brendan Haywood: I bet you didn’t know that Brendan was the color commentator for the Washington Mystics for four years. Or that Brendan hosted a three hour talk show on the Wizards’ station in Washington. Brendan’s website points to a desire to be a broadcaster when his playing days are over. We all know it’s hard to find a gift for someone with an interest in broadcasting, and Brendan’s a busy guy. He probably doesn’t have time to visit the Museum of Broadcast Communications in Chicago, Illinos. Fortunately, the museum offers possibly the most hilariously unwanted gift ever. Yes, the gift of Larry King.

For the best $24.96 you’ve ever spent, “Let America’s most recognized interviewer capture the life story of a loved one. Just respond to Larry’s questions, and let our editors create a memory that will last a lifetime.” What could be better than that? On second thought, maybe just a gift card…

Tristan Thompson: Everyone knows TT is as sharp a dresser as there is. So if you or the elves don’t have the time to knit him something fancy, then why don’t you have one of these guys, the best tailors in Cleveland, put a great suit together for him. If you really want to get fancy you could get NBA tailor extraordinaire, Waraire Boswell, to whip Tristan up something… real nice.

Matthew Dellavadova has quickly become every Clevelander’s favorite Aussie and he’s returned the favor by exploring the city and developing some favorite local haunts. He’s even been known to show up at an Indians game or three in the spring or the off-season. To help him understand the city a little better, and the game of baseball, I’m asking Santa to kick him a copy of Vince McKee’s new book, Jacob’s Field: History and Tradition at the Jake. Hopefully, story of the Indians’ rebirth translates to the Cavs.

Dion Waiters, the most enigmatic Cavalier, is always storing his mouth guard behind his ear: between plays, at halftime, or just whenever he wants to shoot the ref a disgusted look. As my wife says, “Ew.”  To give Dion’s teeth protector a better resting place, maybe Santa could put a “Shock Doctor” mouth guard case in his stocking. It’s sleek, convenient, and even ventilated for quick drying! Since that his such a cheap gift, Santa, throw some premium socks his way too, will ya?

James Jones is no dummy. He graduated with a degree in finance from the University of Miami, is four time all Big-East All-Academic team member, and is the current Secretary Treasurer of the NBA Players association. I’m sure LeBron has introduced him to Warren Buffet a time or two. He’s already getting a present on Christmas when the Miami Heat will honor him and LeBron with a video tribute. So what do you get a guy like that? How about a diabolical financial board game? In Market Meltdown, “players start rich and have to try to stay solvent in the face of defaults, spiralling debts and bonus caps… Each circuit of the board brings an interest rate hike (offering a taste of Russia’s current turmoil), while playing the quantitative easing card triggers a massive cash injection.” How could that not be fun!?

Mike Miller, man of many many many hairdos. I’m tempted to go gag gift here and ask Santa for a Flowbee… Nah. How about a gift card to Supercuts? Miller seems a bit more GQ than that. How about a cut at one of the “Manliest Barbershops in America.” (Sadly no Cleveland Shops on the list). Virile in New Jersey sounds pretty danged swanky: “Clients can kick back in a 1901 Koken Barber Chair, admire some of the surrounding antiques (make sure to check out the 1927 National Cash Register), or enjoy a complimentary Flying Fish HopFish IPA, Remy Martin XO, and a cigar.” Damn Santa, you should get a trim there, too.

Shawn Marion: According to his website, Shawn considers his DVD collection his most prized possession. But how can he take that with him anywhere in the world? How can he digitize it? (and do it legally)? Here’s how! That’s right, Santa, you and the elves need to sign Shawn up for a VUDU account and for $2 a disk ($5 for an SD to HD conversion), take them all down to Walmart to get converted. Ask for my boy, Max, Santa. He’ll hook you up. Then Shawn can watch his flicks any time, any where.

Not an Elf.

Speaking of the well coiffed set, Kevin Love and Kyrie Irving are easy to buy for this year. After their kerfuffle about the mustache sharpening, it’s become obvious that Kyrie and Kevin are embracing that millennial obsession, the hipster beard and all things facial hair. What do you get a man with a hipster beard? Someone tell me cause my brother just showed up for Christmas looking like a Duck Dynasty reject. How about beard ornaments? A bit too bizarre you say? Let’s check in with Ali again over at Menfash.com and see what he has to say. “Long beard looks stylish, however, only if it is well trimmed. Because only a well styled beard can add an additional star to your personality.” You’re so right, Ali. How about some Honest Amish Leave-In Conditioner? It’s all natural, vegan friendly, with organic oils and butters. Pick up some for yourself, Santa. I’m sure Ali would approve.

Anderson Varejao, Dancing Machine. I have no idea what to get him. Fortunately, his wedding gift registry is still up over at Crate and Barrel (not a lie), and look at that. No one has bought Andy and his wife, Marcelle, “the World’s Greatest Potato Masher.” Throw in the “Anti-Freeze Ice Cream Scoop,” if you’re feeling generous, eh Santa? On a personal note, I would pay cash money to see Andy actually using these items.

David Blatt lit the Menorah with Cleveland Major, Frank Jackson, on the 16th, kicking of the eight nights of Chanukah. If you’re confused about Chanukah (or Hanukkah) here are some gift giving dos and don’ts. Gelt is a traditional Chanukah gift: gold foil wrapped chocolate coins, often given to children. But Gelt has developed a bad reputation over the years of being “waxy and flavorless.” Not so anymore. High end Gelt is “getting a makeover” and Divine Chocolate’s Kosher dark chocolate and milk chocolate coins produced through the farmer cooperative Kuapa Kokoo in Ghana sound like the perfect gift. The phrase “Freedom and Justice” encircles the foil-embossed cocoa tree. Hopefully Coach Blatt enjoys these as much as I would. Ask you your friend Hannukah Hairy to drop some off, will you, Santa?

Dan Gilbert doesn’t need anything, but he has invested large amounts of money into downtown Cleveland, and even larger amounts of money into Downtown Detroit. Others can judge the efficacy, ethics, and prudence of Dan’s business dealings in Detroit, but I think it would go a long way toward that goal of Peace on Earth and Goodwill Towards Men, Santa, if you could do what you can to help out with a Detroit Renaissance. I’m sure Dan would appreciate it. I mean this is the town that gave us Motown, MC5, the Stooges, Alice Cooper, Madonna, and Jack White. I know they’re a sports rival, but lifting Detroit would be a feat that says, “Hey. We really are past the great recession.”

David Griffin: We all know what Griff wants, a center, “one who can block some shots and rebound.” I mean yeah, asking for that for David is kind of like giving my wife a bowling ball that says, “Nate” on it, but whatevs. David passed on Corey Brewer, to wait on a center, so if you could maybe talk the Nuggets into parting with Mozgov or the Hornets into parting with Bismack, that’d be great. I mean if you’re feeling really generous, just find us some unknown Euro center who can get Cleveland six boards and two blocks a night in 18 minutes for the league minimum. If the Cavs sign some Spaniard named “Santos Nicolos,” I won’t even mention your granny style free throws.

LeBron James: What do you get the man who has the world on a string? Not the above sweater, that’s for sure. Tom, Robert, and I were talking about penning LeBron some passages on “aging gracefully,” and then we realized we weren’t remotely qualified. A signed copy of The Season of Huh? with chapters by Robert and Tom? Perhaps too self serving. No, LeBron’s a new Dad (for the third time), and as a father of two daughters, I can commiserate. That’s a big responsibility. So let’s get him some words of wisdom. The book, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know. 600+ reviews can’t be wrong, can they? Merry Christmas, LeBron.

So that’s it Santa. Throw in some golf balls for Fred and A.C., some new ties for Jeff and Campy, another fantastic ensemble for Allie, and some Halls cough drops for Jim Chones to ward off the NE Ohio plague. Oh, and one more thing, Santa, I know it’s a lot to ask, but maybe a Larry O’Brien trophy in June? Merry Christmas, Cavs fans!