Recap: Heat 106, Cavs 92 (Or the world chico and everything in it)

Bloggers Note: I wrote the recap on my piece of junk HP laptop that I should have smashed in a drunken rage years ago. During the fourth quarter, said piece of junk HP laptop decided to start configuring updates and my recap was lost. It was a miserable game to watch. It was a miserable game to recap, and it would have been a miserable read. Here is an alternative version.  

YAY: Iman Shumpert was active on defense (4 steals) and he was probably the only Cavs player who wasn’t throwing up mojitos at sunrise. His defense led to transition opportunities including a full court give and go with J.R. Smith that led to a Shumpert one handed alley-oop…Delly led the Cavs with a +7 plus/minus, even though he shot 0-3 from the field…Kyrie shot 9 for 11 from the charity stripe…Thompson’s off the ball movement on pick and rolls is lightyears better than it was last season…During LeBron’s  Miami run, I would have to take a one week sports sabbatical following a loss to Miami to avoid all the talking heads riffs about how Cleveland smells like sulfur and bum sweat stew. I’m gonna be okay this time…When gambling on sports always keep track of back to backs on the road for NBA and NHL. The Cavs were -4 favorites tonight, and yes, I would have bet against them. I may be a member of Cavs army or nation or coalition or whatever, but I’m a starter for team Cory. I never bet with my heart, nor should you.

BOO: Lawd, where to start. This was the Cavs worst effort in their last 30 games. Perhaps they felt that going 3-1 on the road trip was a victory in itself. There’s no point in pointing fingers at any one person here. Everyone other than Shumpert was terrible tonight. LeBron scored a lazy 26 points on 19 attempts. He pounded the rock and settled for pull up jumpers. That’s how players play when they are gassed. These layups that he’s been attempting used to be dunks. I would have been fine with Blatt pulling a Pop and resting the stars and giving the zoo crew heavy minutes tonight…Mozgov flashed stone hands and low basketball IQ repeatedly by picking up his dribble prematurely without an exit strategy. It’s called a triple threat for a reason brah. You have three options..Tristan Thompson is in a funk. He followed up his shockingly barren stat line from the Magic game with another poor performance…The Cavs 38 points at halftime was their lowest output of the season…The Cavs shot 38% from the field and sported a 17/14 assist turnover ratio…Mommy, make the bad man stop! Watching and recapping this pathetic effort at two in the morning felt like punishment for me being a terrible person in a past life. I mean a really terrible person, like I was Genghis Khan or Ted Bundy or something.

NOTES:

*This was probably Miami’s last meaningful game to their regular season and they brought it. The Celtics and Hornets are nipping at their heels and both have played better than the Heat of late. Either way, kudos to the pee stain posse. They wanted the win and they dominated every facet of the game from the opening tip. Wade had one of his best performances of the season and he probably doesn’t have that many more games like this left in him. Dragic assimilated quickly to their system, and Whiteside’s effort was unbelievable. If Bosh wasn’t out for the season, they would have been my nightmare first round matchup for the Cavs. LeBron is an emotional guy and it could have severely affected him. That and I’ve suspected all season that that Pat Riley secretly trained LeBron via post-hypnotic suggestion to turn on the Cavaliers when the bass line of “Seven Nation Army” is chanted (ala Reggie Jackson in Naked Gun).

* Shoutout to Chris “Birdman” Anderson. Not to him directly, but to one of the greatest flat out fibs I’ve ever been told that relates to him. My buddy Jimmy in LA told me that Birdman gave him a pair of authentic Denver Nuggets warmups at a tattoo parlor on Melrose. Jimmy in turn gave the pants to me because I’m such a hoops head. Fast forward to Carlos, my second roommate in LA, who didn’t have a bed and slept on an identical pair of Denver Nuggets track paints. Thinking the roommate grabbed my authentic pair of Chris “Birdman” Anderson warmups, I checked my dresser, and my pants were still there. Out of sheer curiosity, I asked Carlos where he got his, and he said at Ross for $3. I don’t know why Jimmy would make up that BS story, but it’s a beautiful thing that he did.

*Correction! During my Mavs recap, I stated that “Bill Simmons and Zach Lowe are right. Love looked utterly miserable celebrating with J.R. Smith during the TO. Also, the Cavs just won their 41st game of the season. One more than the Timberwolves put up in Love’s best season in Minnesota, and we are still a few days away from the Ides of March.” Zach was right. It was pretty much Simmons saying that Love looks miserable in his illuminati jedi mind trick fashion of getting Love to sign with the Celtics. Personally, I think Love opts into the final year of his deal and stays with the Cavs next season or takes the 5-year $100 million that will be on the table. His back issues have effected him all year, and could explain why his first quarter stats trump his output in the fourth quarter. It could also explain why he didn’t play in the fourth quarter against the Spurs. Take everything with a grain of salt kids, but never bath salts. You might make up elaborate stories about clothing that doesn’t fit you from an off-price scratch and dent department store.