Cavalier Halloween Costume Party!

Halloween ’16

It’s Halloween, and last night all of the Cleveland Cavaliers gathered at LeBron James’ house for his famous annual Halloween Party! This year, the team got a jumpstart on the October festivities with a recent cavalcade of horrifying lineups, spooky shooting displays, and ghostly defense on the basketball court, so this year’s big bash was sure to be a blast. There were a lot of great costume ideas ranging from scary to hilarious, as players and significant others attended fully decked out. Pennywise the Clown was spotted, as were Daenerys Targaryen and Khal Drogo. Eazy-E made an appearance and the Coneheads were in rare form.

No team can compete with the Cavs when it comes to dressing up for Halloween pic.twitter.com/jgaFVygLY3

— The Crossover (@TheCrossover) October 31, 2017

But the costume party had one Cavs fan in myself thinking of a fun idea… What if everyone’s had dressed in costumes that were related in some way to their basketball persona? Whether it’s a reflection of how they play each night, a suggestion of the player they might strive to be, or simply a fun play on words, I have a few ideas for some Cavs costume makeovers. So today I get Freudian and analyze what each Cavalier should have dressed up as and why. Halloween is an evening of fun and mischief, so let’s pretend LeBron were to hold a hypothetical redux tonight and see what the cast of characters showing up at Mr. James’ party might look like.

LeBron James

A bag. Any old bag that could be filled with anything. Maybe it’s a sandbag to convey how he treats the regular season. Perhaps he channels his inner RL Sharpe and dresses as a Bag of Tools, alluding to all the basketball skills this King has at his disposal to build an ever-increasingly grand legacy. Or LBJ could be a “mystery bag,” because no one knows what he plans to do this looming offseason. Oh LeBron, he of many hats–er–bags. No one knows quite what he’s thinking or how much he’s influencing behind the scenes.

Dwyane Wade

Uncle Drew. D-Wade has been sort of a reverse-Uncle Drew in real life–looks young, plays old–so it would be deliciously ironic for Flash to don the alter ego of ex-Cav Kyrie Irving. Besides, no slight is too petty in today’s NBA and having LeBron’s former running mate mimicked by LeBron’s former former (and current) running mate would make for social media gold.

Kevin Love

Lil’ Kev. C’mon, how could it be anything else?? Kev would be the life of the party. Everyone loves a good inside joke, and maybe all the attention Love gets at the Halloween bash would translate into the fellas feeding him more elbow touches on the court.

Derrick Rose

A mummy. Made with lots and lots of toilet paper. And then some more toilet paper over that. We’re talking heavy duty, two-ply over here. Really, the goal of this costume is more function over fashion — we’re just trying to keep Rose from getting hurt and he has, ya know, sort of a history with that happening to him. Did I mention the Cavs are really, really thin at point guard right now?

JR Smith

A teddy bear. JR needs some hugs. His ego got bruised when he was demoted to the bench to start the season and his confidence has looked shaky since. We need the Real JR and his gunslinging ways back! (Alternate costume: a shirt.)

Tristan Thompson

A priest. Tristan is currently suffering from a severe case of Kardashian Kurse. He should dress as a holy man so he can exorcise himself of whatever demon(s) causing him to play like he forgot how to rebound (and yes, I do mean “rebound” as a double entendre for basketball AND relationships *cue rimshot*).

Kyle Korver

A zombie. He looked potentially cooked a year ago on a listless Hawks team before coming to Cleveland, where playing for a LeBron James-led contender appeared to resurrect his career. He then proceeded to impersonate a corpse during the Finals, but now he’s reanimated as one of the few bright spots during the Cavs’ recent abysmal stretch. The 36-year-old’s career won’t die! And that silky J is like a zombie headshot in a video game.

Jae Crowder

A giant clam. So he could be “Clam Crowdah”. Get it? Like Bostonians say “clam chowdah”? (I’m sorry.) Anyway, Crowder could use a reminder of how good he was for that Boston team the past few years. He also could use a good pun to lighten the mood because he seems unsure of his role at times so far into his Cavs career. Maybe because he doesn’t really have a role at this point, but that likely has more to do with getting yanked as a starter when he probably deserves to be one.

Jeff Green

Kevin Durant. If I had to guess one reason the Cavs signed Green to the team, it ain’t for his shooting. He was brought in as a direct reaction to getting smoked by Kevin Durant in the Finals, and the Cavs simply need big, athletic bodies in stock for another potential matchup. Henceforth, Jeff Green should spend as much time being Kevin Durant as Jeff Green can, because one way or another Mr. Green is gonna get very familiarized with the jumper of one of this generation’s greatest scorers come June. Someone just remind Green later not to create burner CtB accounts to defend himself against angry commenters after he has a bad game.

Iman Shumpert

Himself in a basketball uniform. Because I can’t think of anything scarier.

Ahhhh!

Channing Frye

Richard Jefferson. Everyone misses RJ. Channing should dress as his old friend for the feels. (Surprise twist: RJ shows up to the party unannounced dressed as Channing! What fun!)

Jose Calderon

A fork. Pretty self-explanatory.

Cedi Osman

Cedi is pretty new to these parts, so he doesn’t really understand his role on a team for whom he plays exclusively during garbage time; similarly, nor does he quite grasp all the customs we have here in the States. So silly Cedi comes to LeBron’s party dressed in normal going-out-wear, thereby missing a golden opportunity to be–much to the chagrin of fans everywhere–“Cedi the Jedi” for a night.

Ante Zizic

Zydrunas Ilgauskas. Ante Z summons the ghost of another Eastern European big man from Cavaliers past by donning the guise of the beloved “Big Z”. Hopefully, doing so helps the young center to get in touch with his own inner “Big Z” and unleashes an untapped potential somewhere in the same stratosphere as Ilgauskas. That would be really awesome considering how a certain “kursed” center on the team has been playing.

Isaiah Thomas

A dentist. Isaiah famously lost his tooth during a playoff game last year so it would be funny if he dressed as one of the medical professionals who helped fix up his mouth. IT showed a lot of guts by finishing that game not only sans one tooth but merely days after burying his recently passed sister, both relevant facts considering he has expressed resentment toward a Celtics team he laid everything out for only to be callously traded away in the offseason. He should keep that chip on his tooth and on his shoulder. Also, as a doctor, a dentist represents good health, something all Cavs fans hope IT quickly returns to.

Tyronn Lue

A coach. Wouldn’t it be spooky if Lue showed up someplace looking like, I dunno, a head coach in the NBA or something?

Koby Altman

Unfortunately, Koby’s invitation got lost in the mail (at least, that’s what LeBron tells him).

Dan Gilbert

Psych! You know Comic Sans Dan ain’t getting invited to LeBron’s pad anytime this century.

That about covers the Cavs’ new and improved Halloween night roster, and by the sounds of it, that party would be a spook-tacular time. But in all seriousness, hopefully the team was able to blow off some steam and loosen up so they can start playing the way we all know they are capable of, because the slow start to the season can’t be too fun for anyone.

Just keep in mind, this has simply been a tongue-in-cheek look at all the Cavs’ members in light of an underwhelming start to the young season, so none of these costume ideas are meant to be taken too seriously to disparage Cavs players or officials. We all love and respect every last one of these guys and know how hard they work to be successful. Better times are ahead. So mingle with the mummies and dance with the Draculas for tonight, folks, because basketball is back tomorrow when the Pacers come to town. Here’s to a happy Halloween for everyone, and as always, go Cavs!