Recap: Cleveland 112, Detroit 88 (or, Like A Surgeon)

Forgive me for parodying Detroit’s own Madonna, but if this were a LeBron Cavs 2.0 team, the Cavs would’ve won this game by a handful in overtime. They’d have shambled through the first 40 minutes and then turned it on when they needed to in order to eke out a win against the worst team in the Association. Yep, this one had all the markings of a classic zombie trap game: the kind which bedeviled Cleveland’s energy levels in bygone eras. But sans Doctors Garland and Mitchell, and with an LBJ centered L.A. trip just over the horizon, the Cavs ran a surgical clinic on the Pistons en route to a 24 point win, slicing the Pistons up like cadavers. Excuse me while I go find more chop shop metaphors.

The night started slow for Cleveland with an ugly First Quarter that saw the Cavs out of rhythm with yet another new starting lineup, and a combined 45 points from both squads. Despite the “meatball surgery”, the Cleveland MASH unit defended, held Detroit to just 33% from the floor (whilst shooting 38%), and got to the line. But Cleveland figured it out, and even our guy Isaac Okoro was a perfect 2/2 in the quarter.

Paging Doctor Love… Things started to pick up when Doctors Love, Osman, and RAUL entered late in the first and brought their scalpels to the on-court lineup. To be fair, the falloff from Detroit’s mediocre starters to their abysmal bench is steep. Nerlens Noel and Hamidou Diallo flunked out of their first year of med school, but Killian Hayes is a name that can be loosely translated as a French phrase meaning “medical waste dumpster fire.” He’ll be out of the league in two years max. Isaac Okoro haters, be glad he’s not Killian.

Anyway, the three Cavaliers brought patience, energy, and execution like orthopedists staking out a ski lodge, triggering a 33-7 Cavalanche that took Cleveland from down five to up 21 in nine minutes. Caris “the anesthesiologist” was putting Detroit to sleep with his steady ball-handling and execution, while Chief Surgeon Kevin Love ran a little point forward, feeding all the guys while the Cavs continued to execute post-ups, kick-outs, and basic sets, using their size, athleticism, and Kev’s Smarts to remove the Pistons’ heart. Post-up. Bucket. Stop. Dump-Off. Layup. Stop. Ball Swing. Three. Stop. Allen Dunk. Stop. Allen Jumper. Detroit pity three. Swing three, Love. Stop. Dunk. Stop. Mobley fadeaway… “Doctor.” “Doctor.” “Doctor” “Doctor.”

Somewhere in that stretch, Love got himself run-over by Jaden Ivey, got called for a block, and Medical Director  Bickerstaff used an honest-to-God coach’s challenge. Miracle: the refs reversed the call and padded Love’s league lead in charges drawn! Way to be a road-block, and not a traffic cone, Wes.

The Pistons had no answer for Dunkoscopic Doctors Mobley and Allen in the paint, and Noel and Isaiah Stewart were thoroughly outclassed as big men. Only Cade Cunningham looked consistently competent on offense for the Pistons. The Cavs’ execution and the Pistons’ haplessness were on full display as Love notched eight dimes in the first half, and Allen and Mobley dominated, combining for 28 points, almost exclusively around the rim. Yes, things got a bit sloppy as Cleveland couldn’t contain their giddiness, but for the most part, the wine and gold held it steady and finished the quarter up 57-39.

The Third Quarter was more of the same. Detroit tried to get a little more physical, but the Cavs were the beneficiaries of refs who saw the writing on the wall, didn’t want to get caught up in a malpractice suit, and wouldn’t let Detroit junk up the game too much. The starters still struggled, but at the least Okoro had managed to rack up seven points by the early third quarter.

After an eye-opening steal-and-go by first year resident Jaden Ivey where he outran all nine other guys on the court to thump a portent of his future, JB called time out. An ensuing Bogdanovic triple had cut the Cavs’ lead to just 13. Fortunately the bank of Turkey was open, and Cedi canned a left wing trey off the glass. That moment let fans of both teams know “yeah, it’s going to be that kind of night, Detroit.” A couple plays later, Cedi line-drived a pull-up from deep (not off the glass), and then played a little two-man dribble hand-off game with J.A., feeding him a dunk.

Despite a couple Saddiq Bey buckets, Kev went a little old school and got himself an and1 15-foot banker from the left post while Evan Mobley was spamming the block button on everything Detroit threw up around the basket like a trauma surgeon clamping off bleeders

Neto closed the third with four great plays, and was contributing so fast, I barely had time to put up RAUL! memes in the live thread. You know. Stuff like this.

Totally random… In 90 Seconds, Neto canned a drive-kick-relocate right corner three-ball, cut for a nifty reverse, fed LeVert for another three, and then stole the inbounds with 5 seconds left and pitched it to Caris who just missed another three to close out the third with the Cavs up 90-68. Cara Mia!

The Fourth Quarter was more of the same. Kev started out with a four-point-play created by some heady three-man weave action with Allen and RAUL! Ivey outran the whole nine other guys again and coast-to-coast dunked Lamar Stevens back into the g-league before Stevens got it back a couple plays later. Ivey’s 18 points were one of the few bright spots for Detroit, who look like the have about three NBA caliber players on this roster, but youth kills, and Jaden finished -21 with four turnovers.

Try as the Cavs might, the Cavs could only get Kev a base8 triple double, which would be significant if humans had only four fingers on each hand. Kev finished with 21/8/10 +30, and even added a block for his troubles on just 10 shots, in 23 minutes. Get that 6MOY hardware, you silver haired fox.

J.B. finally stopped Kev’s triple double hunt at the 8:26 mark, and with the Cavs up 25, it was mostly academic at that point. (Aside from the worst flagrant call I’ve ever seen, when somehow JA got called for a flagrant when Jaden Ivey landed on his foot in the paint.) *shrug emoji*

Anyway. LeVert closed out his night with a pair of driving layups to remind us that, yes, Caris can, in fact, use the glass on a layup – hopefully a positive omen. “The anesthesiologist” finished 15/6/6, +27, and most importantly 5-6 inside the arc with only two turnovers in 30 minutes. Also, evident was Levert sprinting to get back in transition on multiple possessions despite the Cavs being up 20+. Dude is in some shape.

In fact, until the game was out of hand, the Cavs kept the turnovers mostly under control, and much of that was due to LeVert’s almost boringly steady steady play at the point: just executing the offense superbly, and except for a brief part of the third, not making mistakes.

Cedi Osman bounced back to form as a super sub, coming up with 15/4/6 and +24 in 25 minutes, including 4-6 from deep, while Evan Mobley set off his own base8 block party: 11/8/2 with an astounding eight blocks. Evan also posterized Isaiah Stewart with a pair of spin move hammer throws from the left block. Dude was making the Pistons look like clown surgeons inside.

As good as Mobley was, Allen was better. The absolute exclamation point on the Cavs’ offense in the first half, Allen finished with 23/7/0 and two blocks in just 32 minutes. It was great to see FrOhio get his offensive rhythm against the Motor City Scrubs. Allen had his oop game going, got better touch on the hook, and even canned a J or two.

Not to be forgotten in the double digit club, RAUL dropped a cool 10/5/2 and had himself his best game of the season. Neto is a bit out-classed physically off the bench when matching up against some of the better teams in the Association. Against this glorified AAU squad? He’s a Doctor Emeritus amongst significantly less experienced and capable younger adult males (let’s not be disrespectful).

it was all good vibes for Cleveland as residents Stevens and Isaac Okoro got nine and six respectively. OKORO GRABBED FOUR REBOUNDS. Good lord. There were lots of candidates for the JYD medal this game, and in a sign of maximum vibes rewardness, J.B. gave it to the whole squad.

I mean look at this pic. Mamadi Diakite (2/2/0 1 steal!), the danged two-way guy, got to hold the medallion and was the centerpiece of the pic. How can you not love how these dudes play for each other? Yep, the only thing that kept this from being a perfect night was that Dean Wade (just a bit cold offensively but otherwise fine) and Ro-Lo didn’t get to score. You know this is a fun team when everyone’s buzzing over a random Friday night beat-down over Detroit in November.

Speaking of Detroit. Whoo buddy, they’re bad. In any other year, this game might have gotten Duane Casey fired. But I can’t really blame him for this. This squad is built to lose, and Duane Casey will drive this hearse all the way to the best lottery odds in the NBA. Only Cade (19/5/5), Saddiq Bey (18/4/2, three steals), and Ivey stand out. Bogey (why did they just extend this guy!?) looks completely washed, and they’re giving rotation minutes to the Kevin Knoxes of the world.

Hey, we’ve been there, Motor City, but as Milwaukee and Cleveland are proving, the best of the NBA can exist in the NBA’s central division. Keep your head up and keep grinding. Your Doctor Detroit is coming. Also, given the emptiness of the Little Ceasers arena, it might be a nice place to catch a Cavs game as the Rock is going to be a hard ticket to come by if the wine and gold keep this up.