Recap: Bucks 121, Cavs 84
2012-03-30
At the time of tip-off, there was a small black globule, kernel-sized, between the Cavalier bench and the three-point line. You would have thought it was a peppercorn or rat excrement, but then, the Q is a basketball arena, not a Burger King. By 6:53 in the second quarter, with the Cavs down to the visiting Milwaukee Bucks by double digits, this blackness had expanded to something the size of a softball. The type of thing even a large snake would have trouble wrapping its unhinged jaws around. As the haggard Cavaliers trotted out of the locker room for a brief shootaround before the start of the second half, Tristan Thompson almost mistook the obsidian-colored sphere for a basketball before remembering Right: basketballs are orange and seamed, not gleaming and the color of death. Silly Tristan. The ball grew throughout the second half, in concert with the mounting futility of the Cavaliers’ effort. First slowly, then fast, as if it were inhaling a winter’s worth of Lake Erie wind all at once. The Orb of Desolateness engulfed Luke Harangody, but absolutely no one noticed. I mean, Luke’s mom noticed, but even she was like Easy come, easy go. I guess my son is trapped in a Hell Sphere or whatever for eternity. I’m gonna go check on the pot roast. Then the orb exploded and now everyone who attended this game is blind, but also immortal.
Or something. The Cavs lost, I’m pretty sure. Did they demolish the concept of basketball in the process? Are they required to play more games, or can they just call it a season and hop in a tricked-out Delorean that transports them to draft day? I’ll be at the bar, you guys. Meet me there if you’re still breathing.
UPDATE: And apparently, Kyrie Irving sprained his right shoulder in the third quarter. So… woof.
Plus, did you see that monster dunk Hickson threw down on DeAndre Jordan? That was good times.
JJ Hickson went for 29 points and 13 rebounds last night. Of course, he was -5 for the game and his team lost, but whatever…good for JJ.
Well, the problem is that while a random fan could possibly grab a couple of rebounds and maybe dish an assist over 45 minutes, they would get torched on defense by an NBA player every possession.
Oh wait…
Yeah, this actually sounds like a pretty reasonable plan.
As painful as it could be to watch the rest of the season, this free fall is just what we need. If Kyrie misses some time, we have a great chance to end up in the top 4 or 5 in the lottery (this may be true even if Kyrie doesn’t miss time). Since we’re not making the playoffs, I’m happy to suffer through a painful month for a potential star in the draft.
Could I have done that in 45 minutes?
For the rest of the year, the Cavs should let a random fan play for 45 minutes. If they can best the output of Walton + Sloan + Manny from tonight, they get a contract for next year. That might at least add a bit of comedy to the rest of the season.
That’s really incredible. 45 minutes played with combined stats of 1 point, 2 rebonds, 1 assist, 0 steals, 0 blocks, 0 turnovers and 2 fouls. How is that even possible?
Walton – 18 minutes with 0 points, 1 rebound, 1 assist, 0 steals, 0 blocks, 0 turnovers, 1 foul
Manny – 11 minutes with 1 point, 1 rebound, 0 assists, 0 steals, 0 blocks, 0 turnovers, 1 foul
Sloan played 16 minutes with 0 points, 0 rebounds, 0 assists, 0 steals, 0 blocks, 0 turnovers and 0 fouls. That has to be pretty unique, right? Maybe a franchise record was broken last night.
I think this appropriately summarizes the game. Can the Cavs forfeit the rest of their games?
What bar are you going to?
Keep up the good work Colin. I have enjoyed everything you have written since you joined Cavs The Blog.
top 3 draft pick anyone???
Tank City! Get pumped for the future?
To add insult to injury, the title of the video recap of the game is “Bucks Crush Hawks.” Apparently the Cavs were so forgettable, ESPN got the wrong team……..
^My mistake, only 1/20 (Kyrie contributed 3 misses)
Other than Kyrie, the Cavs were 1/23 from outside of the immediate basket area in the second half. Maybe they should aim to miss next time, and they’ll do better?
This is a dynamite post. Keep following your instincts, Colin. They’re serving you well
Relatedly, Varejao remains catatonic in a fetal position under the Cav’s bench. When approached for comment on whether or not this development could delay his return, training staff responded with blank stares and soul-wrenching wails of pure despair.
I lost it at “easy come, easy go.” At least you made futility and self-deprecation humorous.