All-Star Saturday – The Return

OH HAI!

To quote Slim Shady…Guess who’s back…back again?

I had some issues logging in, but back for another year…CTB brings you the wild ramblings of Mallory Factor / All Star Saturday!

8:58: GUYS!  The manic maniac is back!  Yes, I went to a brewery opening tonight.  Yes, I may be a few in…

That’s the charm, right?

(side note: if you’re NYC-based, check out Torch & Crown when they open their Manhattan brewery…)

As I’m typing this…Duncan Robinson did…something?  It’s funny – for MANY reason, this ASG feels more like an homage than an event.  We’ll see how it rolls on.  The biggest shocker has obviously been BAM winning.  But there are some major personalities hanging over All Star Saturday, and I think that will continue for this season.

All the memorializing that has occurred has actually made me want to focus in on and recognize the brilliance we have in front of us while it’s happening.

So it feels appropriate that Dwyane Wade would be the personality of the night.  The man is the epitome of underrated brilliance, and if anything should come of the tragedies we’ve all experienced this year, it should be that we appreciate what’s there for the taking right now.

And so with that, we kick off a slightly delayed, mildly unfocused (blame it on the al-al-al-al-al-al-cohol!) edition of All Star Saturday!

9:05 – I have a lot to say about the new “Jake From State Farm,” but I’m still getting over Guy Fieri being there.

9:06 – Hield continues to be the player I think is 22 but is actually…27?????  What????

9:07 – Uhhhh, but maybe 27 is gonna be good to him????  Hield finishes with 27.

9:09 – Bertrans is the epitome of 2020 NBA – some random name that people may recognize, hitting 3s.  I’m sure he does other stuff, but, like, he’s basically just a B button on NBA 2k20, right?

9:10 – Levine really is the hometown hero.  I loved his dunk contest win, but he’s got the personality to carry a big city.  Chicago needs all they can get right now.

9:11 – And yet, he falls short.  Not everyone can be Duncan Robinson, I guess.

What’re we all drinking tonight?!  For me, it’s the $1 Barrier Brewing Kolsch my grocery store was selling.

9:12 – Remember when the Cavs drafted Joe Harris?  Remember when they drafted Danny Green?  Ugh.

9:13 – It may be petty, but seeing any Brooklyn Net, particularly one the Cavs drafted (…there’s another big name there…), fail brings me a strange amount of joy.  Maybe it’s the native NYer in me.  Maybe it’s the die-hard Cavs fan in me…I don’t know.  But go…Anyone but Brooklyn?

9:17 – Am I the only one who hates Spectrum’s Ellen ads?  I can’t explain it, but they drive me nuts.

9:18 – Watching the 3pt finalists be interviewed BEFORE they face off is beyond awkward.  What producer thought this was a good idea?  Bertans says the goal is to make the most shots.  Uh…duh?

9:20 – The new format of the ASG is awkward.  Too many rules.  I realize range has extended – why not try to make EVERYONE be perfect?  The gimmicks lose me.

9:21 – Booker is “ticked off?”  Uh, sure.  I’m betting they all just want to win, Reggie.

9:22 – OK, but Booker ends with 26.  And “look at the ball rotation!…That is beautiful!”  I kid, I kid.  Booker is amazing.

Actually, can we talk about Booker for a second?  The dude is destined for underrated brilliance as well.  He quietly is an incredible scorer, and I hope he gains some national notoriety for it.  Guy is a competitor, too.

9:23 – Hield keeps it close ’til the end…. AND HITS 27 TO WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  27 FOR THE 27 YEAR OLD!!!!!  ON THE LAST SHOT!!!!!!!  Make SEVEN OF HIS LAST EIGHT!

Should we call him Money Ball Hield?!  He made EIGHT Money Balls!!!!!!

There really is something inherently awkward about award presentations to guys who aren’t used to the national attention.

9:26 – But a “man of few words” does what it takes to win it.  Glad for the Sooner!

9:28 – Am I the only one who didn’t even realize the new Bond movie existed?!  They don’t even feel like Bond movies these days… (#OKBOOMER…also, #OKNATETHEBOOMER…).

9:30 – Hot Ones (the game show?) might be the most brilliant concept ever, but it’s probably the logical conclusion of game shows…right?

9:31 – Common feels like the obvious next step after Queen Latifah…but, shocker!!!!! DAME IS HERE!!!!!!  SPITTIN’!

9:32 – DAME DOLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

9:33 – Do you think Dame is more nervous now than when he plays in the playoffs?

9:34 – I gotta say…Dame is legit.  This is impressive.  I’ve heard his stuff before, but wasn’t sure if it would translate.  It does.

9:34 (2) – And shoutout to the Mamba Forever jacket.  Dame is owning All Star Saturday right now.

9:36 – AND a Weezy cameo?!  Dame rules the night!!!!!!

9:40 – Actually…Lil Dicky might have won the night.  That show looks amazing.

9:43 – DJ Khaled can’t say Pat Connaughton’s name properly.  Maybe this dumbo isn’t the best announcer, NBA?  Like…maybe he’s actually the worst??????

9:44 – I’m not a gambler, but my money is on Dwight to win it.

9:44 (2) – Glad Wade is there.  Let’s replace “activist” Common with someone else, though?  Candice, though – YES!

9:45 – Why is Chadwick Boseman judging anything???

9:45 (2) – BUT SCOTTIE!!!! The roar there was worth it alone.

9:46 – Gordon is the easy money here, right?

9:47 – Howard in an yellow Lakers jersey STILL feels unnatural…even though he was there already…

9:47 (2) – the “Full spread out” (thanks Kenny Smith) feels meh. But Kenny saying Common can’t do anything like that on national TV makes it worth it.

9:48 – GO JONES GO!!!!!

9:49 – The build up here is insane…Happy birthday Jones?

9:51 – That was lame….lets be honest…Derrick Jones Jr, you did not deserve the 46 there….

9:52 – Pat Connaughton is getting ready and the announcers are referencing him, but the producers/camera men can’t not focus on Shaq?

9:53 – BUT PAT WITH THE WHITE MEN CAN’T JUMP REF DUNK!  Idk – that felt fun to me, tbh!  If you can’t impress with something unique (is there something unique?) do it with legit showmanship.  Not the BS that Jones Jr did.

9:53 (2) – But Pat ends with a 45…That feels a little low to me.

9:54 – GORDON TIME!

9:55 – The Gordon dunk between the legs was pretty insane.  I appreciate that the showmanship wasn’t prioritized over the technical aspect.  I’m in on Aaron now.

Lets take this commercial break to talk beer.  I’ve done a lot of work travel the last year + – visited all the haze bro breweries, etc. – the best were the ones who focused on lagers.  Few better than Blue Jacket in Washington DC – check it out if you get the chance.

10:00 – DWIGHT BRINGING BACK SUPER MAN!  Is Nate Robinson in the house?????

10:01 – KOBE HOMAGE IN THE SUPERMAN MOMENT!

10:01 (2) – Superman moment… was a let down…

10:03 – Points to Dwight because…Kobe?  Sorry, don’t honor Kobe by awarding mediocrity.

10:03 (2) – Can we acknowledge Giannis’s style?!  Dude is killing the subtle style game.

10:04 – DUDE!  PATTY WITH THE KILLER BACK BOARD BUMP DUNK!  That’s an all-time great.  Legit.  Wow.

10:06 – WOW!  Derrick Jones Jr KILLING it with the “opposite Wade!” – Reverse “TORNADO” dunk!  Wow!  Upping the game here!!!!!!!

10:07 – Still think Connaughton should be higher.  But lets see what Gordon does.

10:08 – Gordon “taking a Chance” with Chance the Rapper…Lets see.  Also LOL at Gordon Cupping.

10:08 (2) – WOW!   GORDON WITH THE INSANE DUNK OVER CHANCE!  Favorite dunk so far was the Connaughton tap dunk, but Gordon’s dunk was, again, a technical beauty.

10:10 – Kinda funny that HBO, which basically invented subscription services 40 years ago, is just NOW coming out with their own TRUE subscription service…right?

10:13 – Considering the quality of ads currently being shown…All Star Saturday must have seriously lost some popularity.

10:14 – …Did Aaron Gordon just get compared to Taylor Swift??????

10:15 – Jones with a cool dunk through the legs…but I feel undrewhelmed. It’s obvious D-Wade is influencing the judges.  How did Connaughton not make the finals again?

10:16 – Aaron Gordon bringing in…the TikTok girls?  I work in Influencer Marketing and I’M confused here…

10:17 – LAME.  There is such a thing as too much hype, and Aaron Gordon just did that.  I think Reggie is right- he doesn’t deserve a 50 there.

10:18 – OK, Gordon got a 50, too.  The NBA clearly planned for this final because, uh…Everyone gets a 50?

10:19 – DERRICK JONES JR WITH THE MOST INCREDIBLE DUNK!  Over a dude, backboard bounce, BETWEEN THE LEGS dunk!  WOW!  That was pretty insane.  That was pretty incredible.

10:20 – So that’s probably the only REAL 10 tonight.  When did every dunk become a “50” to the judges?

10:22 – GORDON COMES BACK WITH AN INCREDIBLE ONE HANDED CATCH STATE OF LIBERTY DUNK!!!!!!

10:24 – JESUS!  DERRICK WITH THE WINDMILL BACKBOARD!  This has to be the greatest end to a dunk contest ever, right?

10:25 – Gordon nails a between the leg windmill over Chance.  This has to be a stalemate.  Was it planned?  Conspiracy theories – lets get ’em going!!!!!!!

10:27 – ONE.  MORE.  DUNK.  EACH.

10:28 – Jones with a windmill inside…Idk.  Feels underwhelming compared to what we’ve seen.

10:29 – OH MAN!  Jones scores a 48!  Can Gordon nail his dunk to win this?????

10:30 – TACKO TUESDAY ON A SAT!  Lets see this.

10:31 – AND GORDON NAILS THE TACKO DUNK!  TWO handed slam over a 7’5 Center!  Give Gordon the award – he deserves it.

10:32 – But shout out to Patty C with the killer backboard kiss – that was the best of the night.  But this was truly an incredible dunk contest.

10:32 – AND THE DRAMA TO END ALL DRAMA!  GORDON LOSES TO DERRICK JONES!!!!!!  47!!!!  L….O….L….

10:33 – I…I have no words.  And I’m a man of many, many words.

10:34 – lol SVP of Advertising and Creative Services for AT&T.  Ya think maybe Val had something to do with that win?  Perhaps AT&T wanted a Miami winner?  It’s otherwise inexplicable.

10:35 – And with that, my friends, I big to adieu from the 2020 Miami Heat All Star…Er… I mean NBA All Star Game.  Again, Aaron Gordon got hosed.  But some truly iconic moments.  Until next time…

Mamba Forever!